How to be an upstander

It’s understandable to feel nervous or scared about stepping in to help someone who is being bullied. No one wants to get caught in the crossfire and become a target themselves. However, by speaking up and taking action against bullying behaviour – by becoming an upstander – you can help to create a kinder, safer world for everyone. 

Here’s our guide to what an upstander is and how to stand up to bullying in your daily life.

What is an upstander?

Someone who sees another person being bullied – a bystander – can have a massive impact on how things pan out for everyone involved. Check out our guide to what being a bystander means.

An upstander is someone who doesn’t just stand by and watch. They consistently take action to support the person being targeted and to challenge the bullying behaviour. That doesn’t mean they knowingly put themselves in danger. It just means they choose not to be silent and instead do something to try to make things better.

Why is it important to be an upstander?

Staying silent might seem easier and safer, but it sends a message to the person being bullied that they’re alone. It can also make the person doing the bullying feel like their actions are okay.

When someone steps up to try and stop bullying, it can completely shift the tone of the moment. It shows the person being targeted that someone sees them, believes them and cares about them. It also lets others watching know that it isn’t okay and encourages them to take a stand with you against it.

Being an upstander is about sending a clear message that disrespect and cruelty aren’t acceptable. This helps to make your school, workplace or community a kinder and fairer place for everyone.

How to be an upstander to bullying

Support the person being bullied

Let the person being bullied know that you see what’s happening and you’ve got their back. Even a simple ‘Are you okay?’ or ‘Want to talk?’ can make them feel less alone. 

Shift the focus away from the bullying situation

Interrupt the bullying in the moment by asking the person being bullied for help with something important or inviting them to sit with you. If you know the person doing the bullying, distract them by changing the subject or sharing a funny meme with them.

Call the bully out, if it’s safe to do so

Speaking up can be pretty scary, but it can make a huge difference. If you feel safe, calmly let the person doing the bullying know that their behaviour isn’t okay. Be direct and confident. It can help to have a friend with you to provide some backup.

It can be extremely tough when the person you feel you need to stand up to is someone you care about, like a friend. Being an upstander means doing the right thing, even when it feels uncomfortable. Watch this short video for some tips on how to speak up when a friend is bullying someone.

Video transcript.

Step away and follow up later

If you don’t feel safe to intervene in the moment, walk away from the situation. Bullying tends to last longer if there’s an audience, even if no one else is joining in directly, so just removing yourself can help to defuse the situation. Later, reach out privately in person, or message the person doing the bullying if speaking face-to-face isn’t your thing.

The same rule applies online. Sharing or ‘liking’ bullying posts can make things heaps worse for the person being bullied. Instead, remove yourself from the situation and say something privately later on. 

Get help

Help the person who is being bullied to get help. You could offer to go with them to report it, or point them towards resources such as our guide to getting help for bullying. If it’s happening online, you can help them to block and report the person doing the bullying. 

If things get serious and you’re worried about the person’s safety, don’t wait for them to ask – report the bullying to a trusted adult like a teacher, school counsellor or parent.

Lead by example

Treating others with kindness and respect, even when no one’s watching, is one of the most powerful ways to be an upstander.  An upstander will include someone who’s been left out, call out unfair jokes or banter, and refuse to join in when others are gossiping about someone or putting them down. 

When you show what respectful behaviour looks like, you set the tone for what’s okay and what’s not. Being a positive influence might not always feel like a big deal in the moment, but it can shift the culture around you and make it safer for others to speak up, too. 

Every bullying situation is different, so think about which ways work best for you. The important thing is not to stay silent – helping out and speaking up can change the culture for everyone.

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