How to deal with a toxic friendship

Friendships are meant to lift us up. But sometimes they can become a source of stress instead. If a friend is constantly making you feel drained, uncomfortable or just bad, you might be dealing with a toxic friendship. Learn how to recognise the signs and to figure out what you want to do about it.

Recognising the signs of a toxic friendship

Toxic friendships aren’t always obvious. But here are some common signs:

• You feel that your friend is constantly putting you down or judging you.

• Your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries.

• The friendship feels one-sided.

• You often feel worse after hanging out with them.

These types of friendships can chip away at your self-esteem over time. If you're trying to work out whether your friendship is toxic, you might find some clarity by exploring common signs of unhealthy friendships.

Get your head around the situation

Once you’ve noticed something’s off, take a moment to reflect. Writing your thoughts down can help you to process how you’re feeling. Try asking yourself:

• What specific actions by my friend are upsetting me?

• How do those actions make me feel?

• Deep down, do I still enjoy this friendship?

• What do I hope will happen next – do I want things to change, or am I looking for closure?

Sometimes, friends don’t realise their behaviour is hurtful. For example, if they aren’t replying to your messages, it might seem like they’re ignoring you. But they could just be heaps busy or have forgotten to reply. Ask yourself:

• Do I think they’re trying to hurt me on purpose?

• If I opened up, would they care enough to try and change?

Think about your own behaviour

When someone’s actions feel hurtful, it’s easy to focus entirely on them. You might find yourself replaying conversations, checking their social media or asking others about them. 

This uses a lot of energy, especially when you can’t control what your friend does. Learning to accept things that are out of your control can be really helpful here.

Instead of fixating on your friend’s behaviour, try to think about how you want to respond. This shifts the focus to what you can do. For example, instead of thinking, ‘She's a crap friend because she sends me mean texts’, you could shift to: ‘I’ll set boundaries when people say rude things to me. I don’t deserve to be treated like that.’ 

It’s also important to be mindful of your own actions. When you’re standing up for yourself, make sure you’re still being respectful. For instance:

• It’s okay to ignore mean texts from someone if that helps you to cope, but try not to leave them out of group chats as a way to get back at them.

• It’s fine to reduce contact with someone who isn’t treating you well, but try not to force mutual friends to exclude them too.

• You can certainly talk about friendship issues with other friends if you need another opinion, but be careful not to spread rumours.

Have a conversation with your friend

It might feel super awkward, stressful or unfair that you have to start the conversation, but being able to have a tough talk with a friend is a valuable skill. 

Being honest can also help to prevent misunderstandings from escalating. If you need some guidance, you can check out our article about how to talk to a friend about issues you’ve got with them.

Here are two things you can say that can help to make the conversation easier.

‘I’m saying this because I’d want you to say it to me.’ This shows your friend that the conversation is coming from a place of care and respect. If you didn’t value the friendship, you wouldn’t bother bringing the matter up. Even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment, they will know they can be honest with you in return.

‘This is what I’ve been feeling – but I want to hear what you think, too.’ Framing things from your perspective helps to avoid blaming them and keeps the conversation open.

For example, instead of saying, ‘You never listen’, try: ‘I’ve been feeling unheard.’ That way, you’re sharing how their actions have affected you, without making accusations or putting them on the defensive. By letting them know you want to hear their side, too, you’re making it clear that this is a two-way convo – not just a one-sided callout.

Set new boundaries

After talking with your friend, or even if you decide not to have a big talk with them, setting some new boundaries can be helpful. These can be specific or more general, depending on what you need. 

Here are some things you could do.

Cut down contact

If the negativity often happens over text, you might tell your friend you need to text less while focusing on school, uni or work. Or, you can simply step back without giving a specific reason, saying you value the friendship but can’t hang out as often due to other commitments.

Take a break

You might decide to ask for a complete break from the friendship for a while. Try saying something like, ‘I’ve got a lot going on at the moment and need to take some space for a few weeks.’ This can give you time to think. If you see them around (say, at school), a simple smile-and-nod can work instead of a big chat. It might feel awkward at first, and that’s okay.

How to end a toxic friendship

Ending a friendship is a big decision, especially when you’re feeling hurt or emotional. Sometimes, with a bit of space and calmer feelings, issues can be resolved. Only you can decide if the friendship is worth saving. Many people find that friendships can even grow stronger after navigating tough times.

But if you’ve tried to fix a toxic friendship and it hasn’t worked, or if you feel there’s no way forward, here are a few approaches you might consider for how to end a bad friendship.

The slow fade

If you’re both naturally drifting apart, this can be a non-confrontational option. You might message or call them less often, or limit your catch-ups to group settings if you share a friendship circle.

This can be a healthy option only if the drift is mutual. If your friend seems confused or hurt by your withdrawal (e.g. if they ask why you’re not hanging out with them), it means the fade-out isn’t mutual. In this case, it might be time for a more direct chat. 

The direct conversation

This means sitting down with the person (or having a phone call) and clearly letting them know that you’ve decided to end the friendship. This is challenging and requires courage, like breaking up with a partner. 

But it gives both of you an opportunity to express yourselves and potentially to get some closure. If you choose this path, you can draw on the same skills used when talking to a friend about difficult issues.

The hard stop: completely cutting contact

If a friend is being emotionally or physically abusive, or making you feel unsafe, to protect yourself you could delete or block them on social media and other platforms. Or, try to adjust your timetable or routines to avoid them if you go to the same school or uni. Your safety and wellbeing always comes first. 

Getting help

Sometimes, the impact of a difficult friendship, or of ending one, can be really hard to manage on your own. It’s okay to reach out for support. You could:

• talk to a school or university counsellor

• chat with a peer worker who understands via ReachOut PeerChat

• call or text Lifeline (13 11 44) or Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) if you want to chat with someone right away.