Dealing with divorce and custody

Coming to terms with a divorce and the fact that your family is changing is really tough. While custody agreements can be uncomfortable or difficult to understand, there are things you can do to help clarify your feelings about what’s happened and find your footing.

This can help if:

• your family is going through a divorce

• you’re worried about custody agreements

• you're looking for ways to understand and deal with the changes.

How divorce can affect the whole family

When your family breaks up, it’s really hard for everyone involved – even if it feels like it’s been a long time coming. 

As your family dynamics change, there’s a lot to process. Everyone will have their own response – some might feel deeply upset or confused about how it got to this, while others may even feel a sense of relief, especially if things haven’t been okay for a while. 

Feeling angry with someone, or multiple people, is also a valid response, and it’s important to give yourself space to work through it. Check out some tips for dealing with anger.

The stress of figuring out your new lives – moving back and forth between separate places, dealing with custody arrangements, finding a way to get a sense of normal back – can result in tensions running pretty high. Even if your parents are arguing more or too distracted or overwhelmed to focus on you, it doesn’t mean that they care about you any less.

Remember: even if you feel like you don’t have much control over your life, there are things you can do to cope in this tough time. This is not your fault, and you're not always going to be feeling this way.

How to make sense of a family break-up

Adjusting to a family separation takes time and negotiation. If you have questions about what’s happening, pick a time when no one is upset or emotional. It’s perfectly okay to talk about your own feelings and needs. It’s not uncommon to have someone from outside the family help with these conversations.

Here are some things you can do:

• If you’re feeling confused, ask your parent or parents to explain why they’re separating.

• Let them know what living arrangements feel best for you. If you're going to be living between separate houses, set up your space at each place.

• If one parent’s saying horrible things to you about the other, let them know you don't want to hear about their problems with each other.

• Try to maintain your relationship with both of them separately.

• If possible, try to keep as much as you can the same, like doing the same sports, hanging with your same friends and doing the things you love doing. 

• Allow time for your feelings and don't feel like you need to ‘get over it’ quickly. It may take some time for you, and your family members, to adjust to living in a different way.

• Talk to a friend or another family member about how you feel.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask to talk to someone outside the situation, such as a counsellor, youth worker or psychologist.

Understanding custody

When your parents divorce, decisions will be made about ‘custody’ – essentially, where you’ll live and when.

One of your parents may have sole custody, or custody may be shared between both. You may live with one parent most of the time, and visit the other (access visits) for a certain number of days per week, fortnight or month.

Sometimes these arrangements are decided by the parents alone, and sometimes with the help of the Family Court. When the Family Court is involved, the child’s view is taken into account. The older you are, the more say you’ll have as to where you live.

If you’re unhappy about a custody arrangement, talk to a trusted adult and find out what your alternatives are. Sometimes talking to a professional who’s not personally involved with your family, such as a counsellor or psychologist, can give you a clearer picture of what other options you have.

Want to know more? Ask ReachOut your questions about divorce and custody.