6 things you need to know about sexual consent

This article discusses sexual assault. If you’re currently in distress, please head to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for support.

Sexual consent is when you and your sexual partner both agree to have sex or engage in any kind of sexual activity. Clear and ongoing communication is an essential part of sexual consent. You and your partner should be checking in with each other to make sure you’re both comfortable, enthusiastic and excited about any sexual activity before it takes place and during the activity itself.

1. Sexual consent must be explicit

There’s only one way to know for sure if someone has given their consent: if they tell you. Affirmative consent means that you and your partner give each other a clear, explicit and enthusiastic ‘yes’ to any sexual activity. Don't assume that the other person is as into what you’re doing as you are, even if they didn't say 'no' out loud. If your partner hasn't given an explicit 'yes', you need to do something to check if they are consenting, and the best way to do this is to ask. 

It's also really important that when you do ask for consent, your partner knows it's okay to say no, ask to slow down, or change what you're doing. Remember, any non-consensual sexual activity (even kissing and touching) is harmful and against the law.

2. Sexual consent must be voluntary

Being part of any sexual activity should always be your choice. Consent means everyone wants to participate without feeling forced, manipulated or pressured. 

Sometimes people might say things that seem harmless but may make you feel guilty. Saying things like, 'If you really loved me, you would do this,' or 'You led me on!' are manipulative and take away the ability for the other person to give voluntary consent.

Other manipulative behaviours that compromise voluntary consent include getting upset, ignoring or punishing someone, acting angry (like slamming doors), or continually asking someone who has not explicitly consented until they give in. It’s never okay to try to 'convince' or 'talk someone into' doing something sexual with you. Everyone deserves to have their choices respected, and everyone should feel comfortable saying yes or no based on their own feelings and desires.

3. Sexual consent must be informed and specific

This means that if you want to ask someone to do something sexual with you, they must know exactly what you mean. For example, you can’t just ask if someone wants to ‘hook up’ as they might think that’s something really different to what you think it is. 

If they do say yes to something that you have clearly asked to do, then this is the only activity for which you have consent. For example, asking someone to have oral sex with you doesn’t mean they are automatically consenting to other sexual activity. This relates to all sexual activity, including kissing and touching. You have to get consent for each different thing.

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4.  Keep checking in

It doesn’t matter if this is the first time you’ve had sex with someone or the hundredth – you must always get consent. You should keep checking in while you’re having sex, too. 

Along with verbal communication, another good way to check in is to take notice of your sexual partner’s body language. For example, if they seem tense, uncomfortable or extra quiet, pause and ask them how they’re feeling. You can also ask if they are enjoying it, and always stop altogether if it doesn’t feel good for everyone.

Sexologist and sex educator Jayne McCartney says that one of the key things to keep in mind when thinking about consent is that sex is meant to be pleasurable for everyone involved. 'If someone isn’t giving you a big ‘hellyeah’ with their words and actions, then it’s time to stop. It’s that simple. Empathy, care and conversation are also huge turn-ons and should be non-negotiables in your sexual behaviour. And yes, all of those things are possible with any sexual partner, whether it’s someone you’re in a long-term committed relationship with, a casual partner or someone you just met.'

5. It's okay to slow things down or stop

There’s no reason or rush to have sex, or do anything sexual, if you’re not feeling it. It’s important that everyone feels comfortable and safe, so if things are moving too quickly for you, it’s okay to slow down or stop. You could say something like ‘Can we slow down?’, ‘Can we take a break?’ or ‘Can we stop?’ Your partner should always respect your feelings, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to continue if you don’t want to.

6. Alcohol and drugs affect sexual consent

If you’re using alcohol or drugs, you can’t legally give consent. This is because consent must be given freely. If you’re intoxicated, your capacity to make decisions can be affected, and your decision might be influenced by drugs and alcohol. If you’re sexual in any way with someone who's drunk or high and doesn’t know what’s going on, it’s important to understand that they can’t give you informed consent.  Having sex with someone who can’t consent because they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol is the equivalent to sexually assaulting or raping them.

If you want to know more about how to be great at consent, visit The Line.